apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
Randomize
