porn star on stage now. Get unkicked out.
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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