Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Randomize
