She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
