The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
Randomize
