dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
Randomize
