I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
i'm watching the tyra show: "women who beat up their boyfriends" - lets see how she can make THIS one all about herself too.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
Randomize
