so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
