fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
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