Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
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