Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
