Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
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