Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
