Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
where are my eyebrows?
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Randomize
