3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Such a big mess for such a small penis
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