i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
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