Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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