One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
i drank out of a bidet.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Randomize
