like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
Randomize
