I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
