You just made me feel so damn special
Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Randomize
