I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Randomize
