Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
