I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
I think my fart just growled at me.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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