I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
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