I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
