New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
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