Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
question: from what angle do you give a hand job. im confused..
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Randomize
