If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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