I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
Randomize
