mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
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Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
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My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
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