i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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