Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Liz is crying about burritos again.
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
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