I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
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I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
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Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
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