HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Randomize
