where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
