You drinking a lot?
No.
Define a lot
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
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when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
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I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize