I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Randomize
