Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Randomize
