I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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