You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
Randomize
