Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Randomize
