dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
pop tarts are not kleenex
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
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