I can feel you judging me through the phone.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
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