Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
Randomize
