Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
Randomize
