Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
Randomize
