My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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