I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
