Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
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