dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
that's fine. btw we still need $500 for the donkey...
That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
Randomize
