help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
Randomize
