Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
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