I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
Randomize
