so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
