my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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